Thursday 5 November 2015

30 Jokes For November selected by Simone Hoffs

November is a month where a lot of people feel blue so here's a joke for each day of the month to help put a spring in your step and help you get through.
Illustrations by Erica MacArthur



1) "A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it." (Bob Hope)

2) "I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them." (Steve Martin)

3) "Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes." (Billy Connolly)

4) "There are only two things in this world I hate. People who are intolerant to other people's cultures and The Dutch" (Micheal Caine)

5) "I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room. I don't know who got my moped, but I drove that Peugeot for years." (Victoria Wood)

6) "I went to the head office of the RSPCA today. It's absolutely tiny. You couldn't swing a cat in there." (Tim Vine)

7) "Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now." (Steve Wright)

8) "Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them" (David Brent)

9) "What use is happiness? It can't buy you money." (Chic Murray)

10) "I was doing some decorating, so I got out my stepladder. I don't get on with my real ladder." (Harry Hill)


11) "Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps." (Emo Philips)

12) "Laughter is the best medicine, though it tends not to work in the case of impotence." (Jo Brand)

13) "My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is" (Ellen DeGeneres)

14) "A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp." (Joan Rivers)

15) "Do you know how many middle-aged men go out for a pint of milk and never come home? Not enough." (Jenny Eclair)

16) "My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivalled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne."(Tina Fey)


17) "Whoever said nothing is impossible obviously hasn't tried nailing jelly to a tree." (John Candy)

18) "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: ‘It's not rocket salad." (Lou Sanders )

19) "I like Jesus, but he loves me, so it's awkward" – (Tom Stade)

20) On having sex with men in their thirties: "Generally much better, but you've got to rub their legs afterwards for cramp" – (Sarah Millican)



21) "The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe. Wouldn't it just be easier to talk to a woman?" – (Stephen Brown)

22) “My boyfriend likes role play. He likes to pretend we're married. He waits until I go to bed, then he looks at porn and has a wank” – (Joanna Neary)

23) "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?" – (Dan Antopolski)


24) "I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending." – (Jack Whitehall)

25) "My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a twat." (Susan Murray)


26) "My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs". (Patrick Monahan)

27) "Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well." (Scott Capurro)

28) "I read a book called The Secret Life of Adolf Hitler. It told me things that I never knew. For instance, when Hitler was having sex he liked to pee on people. That put me right off him." (Martin "Bigpig" Mor)

29) "My friend died doing what he loved … Heroin." – (DeAnne Smith)

30) "I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?" – (Arnold Brown)


No comments:

Post a Comment