12 questions for... Bernard Wrigley

Bernard Wrigley is a much loved comedy actor, writer and folk singer. He played the teacher in Alan Clark's film "Rita, Sue & Bob Too" and also featured in several plays Alan Bennett wrote for TV such as "A Day Out", "Sunset Across The Bay" and "Afternoon Off". You may also have seen him in TV soaps such as Emmerdale and Coronation Street, or his guest appearances in comedy classics such as "Phoenix Nights", "Dinner Ladies", and (Steve) "Coogan's Run". Superbad asked him 12 questions...

Superbad Magazine: Has life been kind to you - Have you had good health and been lucky in love?

Bernard: "Touch wood - no complaints so far."

Superbad: Almost all school children do a bit of acting and learn an instrument - why do you think you carried on rather than getting a 9 to 5 job? Did you have encouragement from your family?

Bernard: "When I left school I worked for the Customs & Excise for 2 1/2 years until it started interfering with the singing. I was away in places such as Southend and Suffolk, whilst Dave (with whom I sang) was up here doing a 9 to 5 he wasn’t that interested in. When Robin Pemberton-Billing at the brand new Octagon Theatre asked us to write and perform songs in their documentary we packed the jobs in. Not much encouragement was needed!"

Superbad: What can you tell me about Bob Williamson? I only recently discovered some comedy records he made many years ago and was impressed. Are you still in contact with him?

Bernard: "I remember meeting Bob in the bar at the Octagon Theatre in 68/69. We’d heard of him because he ran a folk club at the Cattlemarket pub in Bolton. He went on to become nationally known in the north west. We’re very much in contact with him (he’s in a nursing home near us) and a few years ago I asked him to pick his fave tracks off his 3 LPs. We made this into a CD called “Born, Bred & Buttered” which is a great tribute to him."

Superbad: You've performed on stage in Waiting For Godot. Are you a Samuel Beckett fan and do any lines from his plays stay with you?

Bernard: "I was intrigued by Beckett, and that strange world in his head. When Mike Harding and I did Godot it was just as Beckett ordained - he recommended that comedians or variety performers should undertake the roles as opposed to serious actors. It seemed to work really well. Perhaps the line I most remember is the climax of insults that Estragon & Vladimir verbally threw at each other. It was topped with the word “Critic,” being the greatest insult one could give another person. It shows what a low opinion Beckett had of such people - he’d obviously had a lot of criticism levelled against him."

Superbad: Did you ever get to know the late Colin Welland? Were you impressed by his writing or acting?

Bernard: "I met Colin in the bar at the Octagon (again!) when I was asked to sing the "Jute Mill Song” at the start of “Roll On Four o’Clock” in 1970. I kept saying my voice wouldn’t suit it, but he and Kenith Trodd (producer) insisted it would. God bless them! Colin was a great writer, and an inspiration to many."

Superbad: You've worked with Peter Kay, Victoria Wood and many other comedians over the years. Are most comedy writers and performers much fun when they're off stage? Do they tend to be shy and reserved?

Bernard: "It varies. Some love the limelight, others try and avoid the over exposure. Then again, I met them when I was working on their programmes, so our relationship was different to someone who is only a fan. Despite the fact that I am a fan!"

Superbad: Alan Clark made his name with very hard hitting films like Scum, and The Firm. You acted in his last film "Rita, Sue, and Bob Too" which has some very funny moments. What kind of director was he? What was special about him?

Bernard: "I didn’t know how revered Alan was until afterwards. At the time he was just another director to me, as I would have been just another actor to him. As often happens, a person’s death can seriously heighten their profile. He was a maverick who made a serious contribution to the content of film in Britain."

Superbad: Do you worry about the future of the BBC? Bennett, Potter, Welland, Leigh and many others got their big break with The Wensday Play and Play For Today. Is there money around to find the next generation of writers and performers?

Bernard: "As with so much these days, the future is in the hands of the money men. It will be difficult to function as the independent BBC in the face of multi national companies which have more clout than governments. The money’s there but it’s increasingly in the hands of the wrong people."

Superbad: Which current comedy performers impress you - who would you like to see given more exposure?

Bernard: "There are too many comedians all trying to do the same approach. The public always miss the point that the best and most talented performers are in a club or hall or theatre near them - not on the telly. My favourites are Jeremy Hardy, Tony Hawkes, Ross Noble, Andy Hamilton, Jack Dee and such. What they have in common is that they’ve all guested on the greatest comedy programme ever - “I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue.”

Superbad: What are you working on at the moment?

Bernard: "Trying to dry out during this bloody awful wet November."

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Superbad: Are you looking forward to Christmas?

Bernard: "Yes. I like Christmas. I completely ignore the media’s part in it and make it advert free."

Superbad: What are your dreams for 2016?

Bernard: "Apart from the obvious end to terror crime, my dream is to keep on keeping on. When people say “Oh, I don’t want to be old” I remind them that it’s a privilege denied to many. That usually shuts them up!"

For more on Bernard visit http://bernardwrigley.com
Drawing of Bernard by Adrian R. Shaw

When Brian Cox met Joey Essex

By Matt Russell

Hi Joey

Hi Brian, is space big?

Yes ...space is fucking massive

What bigger than a bread bin?

Yes much bigger

Bigger than Kanye’s ego?

No, scientists agree that's unlikely

So tell me how big?

Well let's start off small do you know what a solar system is?

Is it a toilet? is it a toilet with solar panels?

Er no.. not really... planet Earth is part of the solar system with the sun at the centre, and orbiting planets Mercury Venus Earth Mars Saturn Jupiter ...Uranus

This joke is too easy... shall we just move on here Brian?

Yes. Then onto Neptune and Pluto. Pluto is so far away even in our fastest spaceship it took 8 years

Well how fast was it going?

You know when your mates are driving their Golf GTI flat out and a bit of poo is coming out of your bum?

Yes

Well the spaceship was going 350 times faster than that... you’d shit yourself inside out

Did they stop at a parking meteor?

So even when we get to Pluto, we're not even halfway across the Solar System we’re only now in the kuiper belt

Belt? I've heard of a kipper tie?

Joey why are you so brown?

People said I should get well red before I met you.

The Kuiper belt is 30 astronomical units away and is 20 astronomical units wide

My uncle bought a unit in Billericay he said that that was astronomical!

Ah .. an astronomical unit is a distance of about 93 Million Miles basically from here to the sun and Pluto is 30 x further away And the kuiper belt carries on for a further 50 times further away.

Crikey Kuiper was some Fat Bastard to wear a belt like that

Joey how did your barber get your hair like that?

Eclipse it

So you've traveled 4.7 billion miles to pluto , now Voyager 1 has been traveling since the time of Kipper ties, and after 35 years it made it to 133 astronomical units and has finally reached the other side of the kuiper belt, which even takes light 7 hours to get to.

So is that it? has it reached the edge of the universe?

Oh no we haven't got to the oort cloud yet! that's where some comets come from

I bought a washing machine at comet and it didn't take that long to get there

We're now 3000 times further the away from the Sun and on it's present course Voyager should get past the Oort Cloud in 28000 years

Get out of town, but we’re near the edge of the universe right?

No we haven't even got to the nearest star, Voyager would take 76000 years to get to the nearest star and that's going 430 times faster than Concord, it's 270,000 times further away from the sun so we’re getting into silly far away now ...it takes 4 years for light to get there... the star is called Proxima centauri

Was it named after a Roman? I'm sure I dressed up as him once, is that what people mean when they say I'm a star?

I wouldn't like to comet. Now ALL the Stars we see in the night sky are revolving around a massive black hole at the centre of our Galaxy called the milky way, there's hundreds of billions of them ...more stars than grains of sand on all the beaches in all the world, and the space between each of them is about 30 trillion miles! and nothing in between... just the vacuum of Space.

What... there is a cleaner of space?

Other than Ajax no. The Galaxy is 100,000 light years across and it's a spinning disc of stars!

But correct me if I'm wrong Brian, if was to travel near the speed of light, it would only take me a few years to cross the Galaxy due to Einstein's time dilation effect

Go on...

But observers on earth would see me travelling for 1000s of generations. Peter Andre told me that!

I think he is right Joey.

Pete is well cool. The galaxy. that's it ...that's the edge of the universe right?

That's what everyone thought it turns out in the last century we discovered that it's just the start, there are hundreds of millions of galaxies stretching out 13.8 billion light years in every direction.

Is that it?

No one knows, the universe is only 13.8 billion years old so we can only see this far, as light has only had that long to travel. But also space is expanding so fast, maybe faster than light in some places, we can never see the edge!

My head hurts now

I know ...so does mine

Brian you've taught me space is fucking massive. but also it's not very funny is it?

No

I feel sorry for anyone reading this conversation. But I will say this, I was up all night wondering where the Sun had gone… then it dawned on me!

30 Jokes For November selected by Simone Hoffs

November is a month where a lot of people feel blue so here's a joke for each day of the month to help put a spring in your step and help you get through.

Illustrations by Erica MacArthur

1) "A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it." (Bob Hope)

2) "I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them." (Steve Martin)

3) "Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes." (Billy Connolly)

4) "There are only two things in this world I hate. People who are intolerant to other people's cultures and The Dutch" (Micheal Caine)

5) "I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room. I don't know who got my moped, but I drove that Peugeot for years." (Victoria Wood)

6) "I went to the head office of the RSPCA today. It's absolutely tiny. You couldn't swing a cat in there." (Tim Vine)

7) "Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now." (Steve Wright)

8) "Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them" (David Brent)

9) "What use is happiness? It can't buy you money." (Chic Murray)

10) "I was doing some decorating, so I got out my stepladder. I don't get on with my real ladder." (Harry Hill)

11) "Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps." (Emo Philips)

12) "Laughter is the best medicine, though it tends not to work in the case of impotence." (Jo Brand)

13) "My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is" (Ellen DeGeneres)

14) "A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp." (Joan Rivers)

15) "Do you know how many middle-aged men go out for a pint of milk and never come home? Not enough." (Jenny Eclair)

16) "My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivalled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne."(Tina Fey)

17) "Whoever said nothing is impossible obviously hasn't tried nailing jelly to a tree." (John Candy)

18) "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: ‘It's not rocket salad." (Lou Sanders )

19) "I like Jesus, but he loves me, so it's awkward" – (Tom Stade)

20) On having sex with men in their thirties: "Generally much better, but you've got to rub their legs afterwards for cramp" – (Sarah Millican)

21) "The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe. Wouldn't it just be easier to talk to a woman?" – (Stephen Brown)

22) “My boyfriend likes role play. He likes to pretend we're married. He waits until I go to bed, then he looks at porn and has a wank” – (Joanna Neary)

23) "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?" – (Dan Antopolski)

24) "I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending." – (Jack Whitehall)

25) "My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a twat." (Susan Murray)

26) "My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs". (Patrick Monahan)

27) "Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well." (Scott Capurro)

28) "I read a book called The Secret Life of Adolf Hitler. It told me things that I never knew. For instance, when Hitler was having sex he liked to pee on people. That put me right off him." (Martin "Bigpig" Mor)

29) "My friend died doing what he loved … Heroin." – (DeAnne Smith)

30) "I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?" – (Arnold Brown)